Sunday, July 30, 2006

Attachment and Desire

Attachment and Desire is really my undoing. Much as i fight it and try to practice Dharma - to think of others first before my bloody self. It's often too bloody hard. Why is it so bloody hard? Isn't happiness just a state of being - a different perspective - i know all that theoretically but putting it into practice is too bloody different. I know the demons are all in my own mind, so all i have to do is tame the bloody lot of them. If i had a demon killing gun, i'd shoot the bloody lot! Why am i ranting like this, even. Just focus and transform your freaking mind!

Yesterday, i had a Boggle competition. Boggle is my most favourite game. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks. Of course that's my ego wanting to show off, i guess. Sean had wanted to have a Japanese lunch so Webby and i agreed to take him. After lunch, i suddenly felt so tired, i fell asleep in the car. When we got home at about 3, i just went upstairs and passed out on the bed, after setting my alarm. The alarm just barely woke me up and i scrambled to get ready. We were supposed to meet at Marmalade Cafe at 4.30 and it was already 4.20! Webby was very tired so i told her to just rest. Of course i would've liked her to come with me, but i thought it was better for her to rest and we also had Shirley's dinner to go to after. I guess it was also a bit selfish of me because i'd much rather her be rested for dinner than to come and support my game, but i thought it was a fair trade.

Anyway, when i got to Marmalade, i was still feeling so tired and groggy. I could barely focus on the game. We didn't do well at all, and I missed some really obvious words which i would normally have gotten. Our team came 3rd out of 4 teams, which wasn't very good. The game also took longer than expected and Shirley was supposed to fetch us at 6.45, but i was still playing at 7! I told Shirley to pick up Webby and that i'd go over to Atrium myself later.

After the game ended, i drove home. I was really feeling a bit odd, so i took my temperature and it was about 100 degrees. I popped two panadols and rushed over to Asian Heritage Row. Shirley, Kim, Shida, Pooi Lam and Webby were already there. We had a super dinner and it was lovely to see Shida again after such a long time. Faery joined us later - looking sexy and cool in her micro skirt!

I was feeling much better already, and asked if anyone wanted to go to Qba for dancing later. Shirley said there was dancing nearby so i said ok. Anyway after chatting til around 12, they decided to adjourn somewhere to go dancing.

Aside from Boggle, dancing is one of my most favorite activities.. but i knew Webby was tired so when she said she wanted to go home, i was not in the least surprised. Disappointed, yes, but surprised no.

That's when my demons all came out and started poking at me with their white hot tridents.

I honestly think i became schizophrenic for awhile.. i was having this huge inner battle.

Angel: It's just bloody dancing. Webby's not well, think of her first, you selfish little shit.
Demon: But i wanna go party! i haven't been partying for agessssss *whine whine*. She knows i like partying so much, why won't she let me gooooo.. she doesn't want me to be happy...
Angel: Ages? You only two weeks ago?
Demon: But we didn't even really dance!!!!! It's been so long since i've had a really good dance.... if only i could..
Angel: Don't even go there.. no 'if onlys..'
Demon: Is it too much to ask...
Angel: How can you even think that when someone you care about is not feeling well... you really are incredibly selfish and small minded. All that caring for others is nothing but empty words.. you don't care about anyone else but yourself..
Demon: i bet she just doesn't want me to go to test me.. to see if i sulk.. *sulks*
Angel: Don't you dare show that face to her.
Demon: Why not? I don't get to do what i wanna do and i can't even sulk? *sulks even more*

and ad nauseum...

Got home, got cranky, tried to hide it... thought i'd do some Dharma work to repair the truckloads of negativity i was carrying - worked on this script that has been taking forever to do..

i stewed all night.. trying to tell myself... i should be happy, i should be grateful for all the things i have - telling myself: THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH, you selfish shit! Thinking "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" and any other stupid euphemisms that i thought would help make me feel better. Thinking of the Eight verses.. Webby is my Guru - to teach me to cut my ridiculous attachment to effing dancing. It's ONLY dancing, for God's sake! What's WRONG with you?!

Darn, i should've just followed Faery to Migstema and maybe that would have gotten something out of my system..



GL said...

Not that many days ago, you wrote about“compromise” and “complement”, which made me ruminate on a few things while lying in bed in Hanoi. Your little “debate” between Angel and Demon triggered those thoughts again. If one’s choice of words can truly determine the outcome of an event rather than the event itself, does that mean that articulate people are more capable of staying in relationships than the vocabulary-deprived?

I thought I’d share this story...

My mum’s adopted parents were migrants to Malaya before WWII. My grandmother (Ah Por) left her much-privileged (this I gathered from her description of the Austin SHE used to drive) albeit unhappily- (well, she left, didn’t she?) married life in Shanghai. My grandfather (Ah Kong) was a musician, who could not bear to stay on in the Philippines after the early demise of his first wife. They both survived the atrocities of WWII and witnessed Malaysia’s independence while bringing up my mum and another adopted daughter. They lived poorly but were generally happy.

My grandparents shared their lives together for over 40 years until Ah Kong died in 1976. The one activity they ardently shared was mahjong. I was told that in their younger days, they went ballroom dancing in nightclubs where Ah Kong played the saxophone and clarinet. (This always conjures up images of Ah Por dancing at the Peace Hotel in Shanghai before she left China). In their everyday life together, they communicated primarily by means of customized-signing and pointing at objects. The so-called English that only they seemed to understand hardly comprised 25 words found in a dictionary. Hence, whenever they had a fight, Ah Por’s nastiest words (which formed the funniest over-statement ever) were “You tok-ker too much-ee!”

So, is articulation of our every little thought and emotion absolutely necessary? Don’t two people eventually twig what the bigger picture is regardless of what is or isn’t said? Don’t our actions say more and speak more truthfully than mere words, no matter how fancy they sound? Isn’t euphemism a transparent strategy with short-lasting effects when you take into account the span of a long-term relationship? Didn’t someone famous say that “you say it best when you say nothing at all”?

Guess that’s why you blog...

Sharon Saw said...

Blogging, i've realised, is just a narcissistic indulgence - a simple soliloquy with one's greatest fan and critic - oneself!

Cleo-Jean said...

Actions may speak louder than words, but there is no denying the power of words. Some spoken words can wound so deeply that it takes a whole lot of actions to repair/rebuild/regain.
But then again what do I know, just because I have been in a few relationships in my lifetime does mean I know any better.
Angels or Demons, words or actions, this is all part of our journey. And the journey changes over time. We meet some people on the way, we lose some people along the way. For some, Happiness comes at the expense of much sacrifice. While others seem to look for it all their lives in vain.
The best part of it all, my dear wandalust, is that you still have someone to snuggle with at nights, a child's warm hug to hold onto, and a life filled with wonderful possibilities.
WE can't have the best days of our lives without tasting some of bitterness and anguish. How else would you know that you've had it great?
May be there is some good to blogging after all. Be it a narcissistic indulgence or a voyueristic gratification. Some of us can rant and vent in the blogs, the rest of us can read and even start to think. This is all part of the grand scheme of SHARING.
Real life stories, aren't they the best when shared? I think so.

aaron said...

hi wanda, thanks for dropping by my bloggie. the pics are alright now... i think it could be the Internet connection that makes the pics went AWOL. ;)