Attachment and Desire is really my undoing. Much as i fight it and try to practice Dharma - to think of others first before my bloody self. It's often too bloody hard. Why is it so bloody hard? Isn't happiness just a state of being - a different perspective - i know all that theoretically but putting it into practice is too bloody different. I know the demons are all in my own mind, so all i have to do is tame the bloody lot of them. If i had a demon killing gun, i'd shoot the bloody lot! Why am i ranting like this, even. Just focus and transform your freaking mind!
Yesterday, i had a Boggle competition. Boggle is my most favourite game. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks. Of course that's my ego wanting to show off, i guess. Sean had wanted to have a Japanese lunch so Webby and i agreed to take him. After lunch, i suddenly felt so tired, i fell asleep in the car. When we got home at about 3, i just went upstairs and passed out on the bed, after setting my alarm. The alarm just barely woke me up and i scrambled to get ready. We were supposed to meet at Marmalade Cafe at 4.30 and it was already 4.20! Webby was very tired so i told her to just rest. Of course i would've liked her to come with me, but i thought it was better for her to rest and we also had Shirley's dinner to go to after. I guess it was also a bit selfish of me because i'd much rather her be rested for dinner than to come and support my game, but i thought it was a fair trade.
Anyway, when i got to Marmalade, i was still feeling so tired and groggy. I could barely focus on the game. We didn't do well at all, and I missed some really obvious words which i would normally have gotten. Our team came 3rd out of 4 teams, which wasn't very good. The game also took longer than expected and Shirley was supposed to fetch us at 6.45, but i was still playing at 7! I told Shirley to pick up Webby and that i'd go over to Atrium myself later.
After the game ended, i drove home. I was really feeling a bit odd, so i took my temperature and it was about 100 degrees. I popped two panadols and rushed over to Asian Heritage Row. Shirley, Kim, Shida, Pooi Lam and Webby were already there. We had a super dinner and it was lovely to see Shida again after such a long time. Faery joined us later - looking sexy and cool in her micro skirt!
I was feeling much better already, and asked if anyone wanted to go to Qba for dancing later. Shirley said there was dancing nearby so i said ok. Anyway after chatting til around 12, they decided to adjourn somewhere to go dancing.
Aside from Boggle, dancing is one of my most favorite activities.. but i knew Webby was tired so when she said she wanted to go home, i was not in the least surprised. Disappointed, yes, but surprised no.
That's when my demons all came out and started poking at me with their white hot tridents.
I honestly think i became schizophrenic for awhile.. i was having this huge inner battle.
Angel: It's just bloody dancing. Webby's not well, think of her first, you selfish little shit.
Demon: But i wanna go party! i haven't been partying for agessssss *whine whine*. She knows i like partying so much, why won't she let me gooooo.. she doesn't want me to be happy...
Angel: Ages? You only went..er.. two weeks ago?
Demon: But we didn't even really dance!!!!! It's been so long since i've had a really good dance.... if only i could..
Angel: Don't even go there.. no 'if onlys..'
Demon: Is it too much to ask...
Angel: How can you even think that when someone you care about is not feeling well... you really are incredibly selfish and small minded. All that caring for others is nothing but empty words.. you don't care about anyone else but yourself..
Demon: i bet she just doesn't want me to go to test me.. to see if i sulk.. *sulks*
Angel: Don't you dare show that face to her.
Demon: Why not? I don't get to do what i wanna do and i can't even sulk? *sulks even more*
and ad nauseum...
Got home, got cranky, tried to hide it... thought i'd do some Dharma work to repair the truckloads of negativity i was carrying - worked on this script that has been taking forever to do..
i stewed all night.. trying to tell myself... i should be happy, i should be grateful for all the things i have - telling myself: THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH, you selfish shit! Thinking "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" and any other stupid euphemisms that i thought would help make me feel better. Thinking of the Eight verses.. Webby is my Guru - to teach me to cut my ridiculous attachment to effing dancing. It's ONLY dancing, for God's sake! What's WRONG with you?!
Darn, i should've just followed Faery to Migstema and maybe that would have gotten something out of my system..
Back to making videos! - Hello everyone. I have started making gaming videos as it is a part of the youtube market which I thought would have been interesting. So, I decided to sta...
3 years ago